Shining Light
by BijouFree
Summary: Life has been anything but normal for the 16th Precinct's newest Sergeant. When life takes an even larger series of unexpected turns, how does Olivia handle the added pressures? When people from her past come forward on a dark day, do they remain in the past or become members of her present?
1. Chapter 1

Sitting at her desk, Olivia Benson signed her newest signature as Sergeant. Lifting the pen, leaning back, and taking in the Hancock, reading "Sergeant Benson" and smiled. No matter how many times she was addressed as such, she couldn't get used to it. She worked her whole life this moment, the promotion, but… something was still missing. Dropping the pen and leaning back fully into the chair, Olivia raised her hands to her hair and released a breath. With concern, her partner, Nick Amaro tore his eyes from his document and just took in her appearance. As much as he tried, he couldn't get her to open up to him. Not wanting to push her and not wanting to walk on eggshells around her, Nick eventually backed off. But, don't sell him short. He kept a close watch on his partner and either she didn't notice, or she chose to ignore it.

When she leaned her head back to rest on the back of her chair, Nick took it as his opportunity to speak. "You know, Liv, you can head home. It's been a rough week. Close out early tonight." She didn't move. He took in her posture. She was slouching. He had never seen Olivia Benson slouch.

"Liv?" "Hmm?" Finally. Finally she moves. She raises her head from her chair, but doesn't lower her hands from the top of her head. "Did you hear what I said?" "What? No. I'm sorry. I was just thinking." She sighs, lowering her hands and grabbing the edge of her desk to pull herself back under the desk. She picks her pen back up to resume her previous activity. "No. Don't do that." "Excuse me?" Olivia asks with a slight smirk crossing her lips. "You bossing me around, Amaro?" "No." Nick states flatly, standing as he does so. He rounds his desk and stop next to his partner. Bending down to get eye level, he states, "I said… You should head home." "Nick…." "Liv. Please. It's been a hellava week here. Just do us all a favor and pack in early tonight." "I can't. I have…." "Liv, I have never used this card on you, but I will right now." "You won't." "This case was hard on all of us and don't even get me started on the trial. Tonight, though, you owe it to yourself. Go home." With that, he straightened up and returned to his desk. Returning Olivia's gaze, Nick quickly adds, "I mean it." "Yeah?" "Yeah. We'll be fine. We'll call you, but I can't make that a promise." Olivia chuckles softly while retrieving her purse from her bottom drawer. Locking her desk, shutting down her computer, and making eye contact with her partner, Olivia mouths a "thank you." Nick simply smiles in response.

In the elevator on the way out of the precinct, Olivia can't keep her mind from thinking about her life, her current state. She feels guilty. She can't help it. She knows she shouldn't, but it's there. The guilt is there. Brian has been nothing but loving and worthy of her love, but she just can't. It's not as if she doesn't think about it, because she does. It frequents her mind often, but something… something just doesn't feel right. And, it's not like she hasn't tried. Oh, she has, but there always comes a point when reality alters and she's back into her old apartment, that Toyota SVU, or the beach house. She can do nothing but stop it. Brian's been patient, but Olivia knows he's quickly growing impatient. Olivia laughs at her next thought. Brian's showers have become longer. She knows he's doing that for her, to keep her comfortable, to keep her guilt-free, but she can't help the insurgence. She just wants to live again, to feel again. As the elevator dings and the doors open, Olivia lifts her head and a sly smile spreads across her face. She's ready to live again. Dr. Lindstrom had told her she would reach a moment, it would feel as if it was an epiphany, and she'd be ready to journey forward. Stagnation would not last forever; this was a reminder Olivia replayed in her mind. Right now, with the feeling of a weight lifted, Olivia was ready to manifest to her destiny. Well, to live again. She was ready.

Entering her apartment, Brian was right where she expected; sitting on the couch engrossed in a basketball game. The Knicks, with a slight squint of her eye, she could see they were losing again. Dropping her bag on the kitchen counter, Olivia headed for the cabinet bringing a wine glass down. Uncorking a chardonnay Melinda gifted at their dinner party, Olivia took a small sip. Wondering into the living room, she eased down beside Brian. Not pulling his eyes from the screen, he moved his right hand to her left thigh and squeezed and added, "Hey." Swallowing her last sip, Olivia's response was delayed. "Hey, yourself. How was your day?" "You know, work." "Tucker finally off your case?" At the mention of his boss's name, Brian finally pulled his eyes from the game and turned to meet his girlfriend's eyes. "Look, Liv, you don't need to worry about that." "But, I do, Brian. This isn't just about you or just me. It involved both of us." Blinking Brian adds, "Yeah, ok." Turning back to the game, Olivia understands that was his subtle way of communicating he didn't want to talk about it, but she wasn't going to let it slide. Ever sense the trial started, Tucker had been on Brian's ass. He even went as far as telling him to stay away from the court proceedings, but that, of course, didn't stop Brian. He attended the day Olivia testified, but she understood his absence throughout the remaining days. "Brian." "Olivia." Still refusing to meet her eyes, Brian huffs and wanting to keep the calm, Olivia finally breaks. She sits back into the couch, getting comfortable with the pillows and her glass of wine. Soon, her mind wonders back to her thoughts in the elevator and she remembers her whole reasoning of wanting to be near Brian. Giving him a slight glance, she gets up from her seat, walks behind the couch, and as she passes Brian she runs her right hand over his head. She stops when his left hand reaches up and grabs her hand. "I'm just going to change into something more comfortable." Looking up to meet her eyes, she stares at Brian and adds, "And, you know, put my gun away." Chuckling, he lets her go.

Walking into their room, Olivia stops and takes it all in. She never expected to share a bedroom, let alone a home, mixed with a perfect presence of femininity meeting masculinity. She heads for her bureau, unclipping her gun on the way, and first slides the piece out and puts it safely inside the small safe. Next she unhooks her badge, handcuffs, and holster to the right of the safe. The shelf below the safe houses her pajamas; she starts to grab a pair of sleep pants, but second-guesses herself. She turns her head toward her closet, trying to decide whether to walk over and choose a teddy; but she's stuck in place. Biting her lip, Olivia decides she'll choose her attire after her shower. It's the only rational thing, right? "Right," Olivia mutters to herself.

After her hydrating shower, the Sergeant feels rejuvenated. She knows where she wants the night to head. In her towel, she steps inside her closet, pulling a baby blue silk teddy from its hanger. Sliding it over her head, Olivia continues to towel dry her hair. With its current short length, it'll be dry in minutes, so she doesn't have to worry about drying it. She picks up still unfinished wine and heads back to the living room.

Brian is still in the same spot when she departed. Actually, she doesn't think he even budged to readjust… anything. At the living room threshold, she leans up against the doorframe and just stares at her boyfriend, her current stagnant boyfriend. She stops herself. He understands. It's no one's fault. She tunes back into taking in Brian's appearance. His are clearly defined, from his jaw to his eyes, and even his fingers. He was hers. But, no matter how many times they connected before Lewis kidnapped her, something escaped them. She felt it from the very first time after he was released from the hospital and given the clear. The ease, the familiarity, and the intensity, were all there. She couldn't and she shouldn't complain. She wasn't complaining, actually, she just couldn't keep her mind from wondering. Maybe it had something to do with her current fear of jumping back onto the saddle. Sighing, Olivia pushed herself away from the doorframe and headed back into the kitchen to top off her glass. As she passed Brian, she couldn't help the irritation that rose within her… he didn't even take in her presence, let alone acknowledge her presence. Returning to her spot on the couch, Olivia encased Brian's right hand within her left and began rubbing small, gentle circles on the back of his hand.

At the television timeout, Brian finally notices Olivia's actions. Turning his head to look at her, he fully sees her for the first time tonight. But, Olivia isn't looking at him. "What is this?" "Hmmm?" Olivia asks coyly turning to meet his gaze. Taking in his dumbfounded expression, she can't help but snicker. Taking a sip of her wine, Olivia finally adds, "I've been thinking." "Oh, yeah?" Leaning forward to place her glass on the coffee table, Olivia returns pulling both legs under her so she's leaning on the back of the couch with her left arm stretched out towards Brian. "Yeah," she finally responds." "Wanna indulge me?" "No." She states, but giggles and leans forward to peck his lips. "I, uh…. I know I haven't been the best girlfriend lately, Brian." "Olivia…" "No, let me finish. I know I haven't been and that's something I've struggled with, but I'm ready to live again, Brian. I want to live again. Lewis did awful things to me, but my sexuality is something I've been proud of… and for that monster to have _that_ control over me… It disgusts me. I want to live. I want to feel. But, you…." "Liv, are you sure?" "Yes. You just have to trust me. Let me be in control." "Don't I always let you have control?" Olivia feigns annoyance, but with her laughter and a small backhand to his chest, Brian knew she was anything but. "I'm serious though, Brian. I know we've tried before, but I want this tonight, but you have to trust me and left me set the pace." "And you have to trust me." And with that statement, Olivia was his. She allowed a smile to creep onto her face and she leaned in to join her lips with her boyfriends. She was finally ready to let go, to move forward from the past, and fully live her life. As the kiss grew deeper, she began to notice Brian's hands. They first started on her cheeks and slid slowly down her arms. Taking her hands into his, Brian pulled. He pulled hard enough for Olivia to lose balance and end up awkwardly in his lap. Holding onto one wrist, Brian's right hand quickly found her left hip and readjusted her on his lap. Olivia, however, did not like this sudden change in location. She tried to block out her distress, but when Brian wouldn't free her right wrist, she couldn't help the anxiety.

"Brian," Olivia mumbled against his lips. Attempting again to pull back, Brian's grip on her wrist and hand that was once on hand traveled to her ass and held her firmly against him. "Brian," she stated from firmly. "It's okay. It's okay." "No, Brian. Stop." Pulling back from his lips and sitting up fully, Brian only took this as an invitation to continue his kisses down her body, paying particular attention to her cleavage. Putting her hands on his head and pushing him back, Olivia couldn't handle this pace. "Brian, stop! Please!" "What? What's wrong?" Dejected, Olivia slides off Brian's lap back into her spot on the couch. Running a hand through her bangs and sighing, Olivia wipes her mouth and reaches for her wine glass. After swallowing a large gulp, Olivia finally finds enough courage to speak. "What the hell was that?" "What do you mean?" "Seriously? Brian, you promised to let me control! I was clear in stating I _needed_ to be in control…." "I let you have control!" Abruptly standing from her seat, grabbing her glass, and heading for the bedroom, Olivia stops and turns back to face him with tears in her eyes. "Nothing. Nothing about what just happened allowed me to have control. Yeah, I initiated it. Yeah, I said I wanted it and I was ready, but you pulled me onto you lap. You held my wrist down. You grabbed my ass and held me to your…" throwing her left arm despondently to the growing tent in his lap. Looking down, Brian finally understands the seriousness of the matter. "Look, Liv…." Standing up, Brian starts to head toward her, but he's stopped. "Don't. Don't even try to touch me." And with that, she retreats to the bedroom announcing her exasperated departure with the slam of the door.

Bringing his hands to his face, Brian sighs. He isn't able to think much on the situation that just occurred, his cell phone interrupting his thoughts. Walking to the kitchen bar, he picks up his phone. "Cassidy. Yeah. No, you're good. Yeah. Where? Okay, yeah I'll be there. Give me 30. Text me the location, will ya? Okay, yeah thanks." Brian tosses his phone back down onto the counter and turns to head into the bedroom to put on a fresh pair of clothing, but he hesitates. He can hear Olivia walking around in the room, clearing changing into another set of pajamas and preparing for the night. He sits down on the couch deciding to give her some space. His phone chirps, instead of heading towards the device, he decides it's the address of the location for his newest case. Brian leans back into the sofa. Yes, things between he and Liv have become strained especially during and after the trial. After finding out Olivia left some very important information from her initial IAB report, things that only came out in Lewis's cross-examination, he had to physically step back from the case. He had to tell Liv he couldn't even talk about specifics with her in the privacy of their own home. Although he was not investigating SVU, people in his unit were and he wanted no reason to have to turn on his girlfriend or her coworkers. He didn't mean to upset her, but she started to close him out and push him away. He didn't want that… He wanted to share everything with her, but this was his way of protecting her and her friends, her family. But, he couldn't help feeling like he was slowly losing her. Noticing the time, Brian stood and ventured to the door and knocked softly. "What?" he heard Olivia call from the other side. "Liv, I just got a case. I would like to change clothes. Can I come in?" "Fine." Opening the door, he instantly found her. She was curled under the covers, lying on her side with her back facing him. Brian quickly changed into clean slacks and a button-up and headed for the door. Before he exited the room, he heard her call from behind him, "Be careful." Quickly crossing to her side, he leans down and kisses her forehead. "Always am," he states and heads out to the scene. Olivia never opening her eyes to him.

The vibrating cellphone on the nightstand interrupts Olivia's sleep. Looking at the unknown number, Olivia realizes it's probably a uniformed officer calling her in on rape case, not realizing she's technically no longer in the field. "Benson," she answers into the phone. "Is this Olivia Benson?" At the utterance of her full name, Olivia quickly sits up. "Yes. May I ask who's calling?" "This is Dr. Meghann Charles at Presbyterian. You're listed as the next-of-kin on my patient." Swinging fully into action pulling on proper attire for this December weather, Olivia realizes she tuned out the good doctor's words. "Wait. Who did you say?" Before the doctor could answer her, Olivia is out her front door and opting to run the stairs instead of waiting for a potentially crowded elevator. "Ms. Benson, did you hear me?" "What? No. No, I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?" She's starting her car and heading for NewYork-Presbyterian. "I said, 'we need your permission to operate.' Your father needs surgery. Although the gunshot wound is through and through, it still punctured an artery. We need your…." "You can take my verbal consent?" "Yes." "Do everything you can. I'm on my way." Ending the phone call, Olivia tosses her cell onto the passenger seat and opts for lights and sirens to carry her to NewYork-Presbyterian. She's been in this situation once before and today cannot come out with the same conclusion. Unlike that tiny baby she briefly called hers, she had never considered being his. Hearing the doctor call her long-standing commanding officer her father, she knew… she knew, with everything in her power, Cragen had to survive.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh, yeah? So, tell me about it." "What is there to talk about? The doctor assumed I was Cragen's daughter. I was caught off-guard." "So, why the hostility?" Finally, tearing her eyes away from her focal point over Dr. Lindstrom's right shoulder, Olivia turns her head slightly in order to make eye contact with the therapist. Holding the stare for a few seconds, Olivia leans forward and with utter frank states, "Go ahead and tell me what this is about." "Who did you think the doctor was calling about?" Olivia tears her gaze from Dr. Lindstrom and begins to pay particular attention to her cuticles. Sheepishly, she finally answers. "Who do you think?" "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want you to tell me." Olivia releases a sigh and pauses, as if to ponder the worthiness of her answer. "Him." "Him?" "Yes, _him."_ "Ah, I see. Do you want to tell me about it?" Without raising her bowed head, Olivia quickly answers. "No." "Olivia, this is a topic we have to discuss, especially after it came out in court last week." Closing her eyes, Olivia wants nothing more than to dart from the therapy office. This was a topic she never wanted to discuss. Lewis made her squirm and loved to watch her fidget in her seat when he asked her questions, intimate questions, about her former partner. Lewis used the one person, the one thing, she gained strength from during her captivity. Lewis tainted her thoughts and feelings for the man and he taunted her with those feelings. Not to mention, he revealed her admiration, love, and desperation for the man in open court, with her coworkers and boyfriend sitting in the gallery.

"I don't want to talk about him. If I do... It will make things real. I know. I know, this is something we have to discuss, we have to talk about, but I don't want to talk about it." Pausing, Olivia finally lifts her gaze and finds her therapist's eyes. "I've never talked about him before… I don't know how." Olivia adds with a sigh. "Okay, so, tell about how you felt when you got the call from the hospital. Start there. What was going through your mind?" "Initially?" Dr. Lindstrom confirmed her question with a nod. "I thought Dr. Charles was calling about…_him._ I didn't hear Cragen's name at first because I was listening for _Elliot Stabler_ and it never came. Then she stated _my father_. It took me a moment, but then I realized she was referring to Cragen. I even asked her for confirmation. The next thing I knew I was running down my building steps and headed to my car." "And if she had been calling about this Elliot?" "I would have reacted the same way." "Even after being out of contact for, what, three years?" "No." "Excuse me?" Fidgeting in her seat, Olivia lowers her head once again and begins to pick at invisible lent on her dress pants. "It hasn't been three years." Sitting in his respective chair, Dr. Lindstrom takes in her deflated state and decides not to broach the subject any further. "So, tell me about when you got to the hospital." Lifting her head and once again meeting the therapist's gaze, Olivia gives a slight smile, an admission of thanks, and she begins to tell of that harrowing day.

Entering the emergency room bay doors, Olivia begins to frankly search for a familiar pair of eyes, not of anyone in particular, but just someone she knows. And then, she spots Fin. He has his back to her, he's on the phone, but she still rushes to him. Placing a hand on his shoulder, he quickly turns to her, and disconnects his call with Melinda. "Liv…" "Where's Captain? What happened?" She interrupts. "The doc didn't tell you?" "No! She just called wanting my verbal approval to proceed with surgery. What happened, Fin?" "Come on, let's go find a seat." Walking further into the hospital, Olivia is met by the Chief of Detectives and other members of Brass. The one thing she notices, though, she and Fin are the only two from Special Victims. That can't be right? Where is everyone else? Were they injured too? Are they working a case? She turns to Fin for answers and he has seemingly read her mind. "They're fine. They're at the scene." That wasn't a complete lie. Rollins was at the scene. Amaro was when Fin left to head to the hospital. Amaro's current whereabouts are unknown. But, Olivia doesn't need to find out. Not yet anyway. Noticing her discomfort, Fin wraps his right arm around her shoulder and steers her to continue walking through the uniform littered waiting area and out into the adjacent hallway. Finding the private, family waiting room, Fin opens the door and ushers his Sergeant in. Showing her to a seat and telling the candy striper whose family they are, Fin returns to Olivia's side.

"Are you going to tell me what happened now?" Releasing a heavy sigh, Fin leans forward and allows his elbows to rest on his knees. "He was shot." "Yeah, I know that much. Dr. Charles said the GSW punctured an artery. What happened? How did he get shot, Fin?" "You remember a few weeks ago when Nick went undercover in one of Amanda's groups without her knowing?" "Yeah, we wanted to know what her sponsor was about." "Well, Nick got more info than we were prepared for." "What? What do you mean?" "Well, let's just say Nick was invited into a gambling/prostitution ring?" Knitting her eyebrows together, Fin couldn't help but chuckle at her confusion. "That was my reaction too. Apparently, the ring consists of about 20 people and they bet on each other, especially the women. They place bets to see how many men she can…." "Stop!" Holding her hand up, commanding him to halt his statement, Olivia admits she wants to hear nothing further. "Get to the part where Cap was shot." "We had surveillance on the place. It was Nick's first night being involved in the ring. We were going to bust in before it started. Apparently, they were prepared for this sort of thing and when we burst through the doors down, the men started shooting. Not just inside, outside too." "And that's where Cragen was hit?" "Yes, but not exactly." "Nick was leading one guy out to a cruiser and Cragen was approaching him. A shot rang out and Nick turned to fire back. Cragen was caught in the crossfire." "So, there's a possibility…." "Yeah." "But, we don't know for sure. We don't know Nick was the one who actually shot Cragen, right?" Turning from her, Fin directs his attention to the television screen in front of the pair. "Fin. Fin, what is it?" "I think you should call Brian." Raising an eyebrow, Olivia doesn't understand Fin's meaning, but then it hits her. She hadn't seen one Internal Affairs officer in the waiting room. That only granted one conclusion, IAB was involved.

Pacing the private waiting room, Olivia was becoming more and more anxious by the second. "Liv, you're gonna have to stop or I'm gonna call Melinda and have her write you and I both prescriptions for some Valium." Immediately stopping at his words, Olivia turns towards her coworker and releases a simultaneous laugh and sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm just nervous." "I know you are, come here." Hesitating briefly, Olivia finally gives in and approaches her seat. "It's just… Brian's not answering his phone. If he can't answer, he'll always shoot me a quick text. Nick's not answering his either. And then don't get me started on waiting for that doctor. Fin... What's going on? Something's wrong and there's nothing I can do to fix this." "Hey. Hey, you don't have to fix this. I know you're stressed. I know you're worried. I know you want to talk to your boyfriend and you want to see Cragen pull through, but right now we have to wait. It sucks, it really does, but it's what we gotta do." "When did you become so in touch with your feelings?" Chuckling at her words, Fin takes no offense. "I've always been like this, just never really have chances to let it show." Lowering her eyes to him, Olivia shows Fin she doesn't believe one word that just flowed from his mouth. Raising his hands in mock surrender, Fin quickly adds, "Okay, Okay. Melinda has softened me." With a small smile, Olivia nods her head in agreement and begins to state something, but the door opening interrupts her. Hoping to see Brian walk through the door, Olivia's heart rate quickens upon taking in the blood-soaked scrubs of the petite doctor.

"Are you Olivia Benson?" Immediately rising from her chair, Olivia takes the offered hand of the doctor and shakes it. "Yes, I'm Olivia Benson." "I want to apologize for having to inform you of your father's state…." "He's my captain." "Excuse me?" "My captain. He's my captain. I'm a detective…" "Sergeant!" Fin pipes in from his seat. Rolling her eyes, Olivia finishes her statement, "in his unit." "My apologies, ma'am. Your captain has sustained intense trauma to his upper left ventricle. We were able to stop the bleeding and repair the punctured artery, but he'll have to have a separate surgery, possibly surgeries, to repair the damage sustained to his heart." "So, why didn't you complete the operation?" "His state is very weak. He has lost…" "Can I see him?" "Sergeant…." The doctor physically took a step back and observed Olivia's appearance. Deciding not to add to this woman's already standing heartbreak, the doctor agreed. Turning her back to Olivia, Dr. Charles called over her shoulder, "Follow me," and led Olivia to the critical care unit that currently housed Captain Cragen. "I'm going to need you to scrub your arms up to your elbows and then I'll help you put the scrubs and gloves on." Stepping into the blue smock pants and top, Olivia allowed the doctor to tie her smock top in the back and then the doctor helped her slip into the gloves. "Can you please tie your hair back and put this hat and mask on and then just slip these booties on overtop your shoes. They'll be a little slippery at first, just be careful. Sergeant…." "Call me, Olivia." "Olivia, your captain's immune system is virtually nonexistent at the moment. This is all for his protection. He is under heavy medication. If he wakes at all, he'll be groggy and will more than likely be incoherent." "I understand." "Normally, visits can only last ten minutes, but I'll tell the nurses to leave you be." "Thank you." Pushing the door open, Dr. Charles steps back to open the door fully, allowing Olivia to venture over the threshold. "He's behind curtain number three." Nodding to the doctor, Olivia left her side and journeyed further into the ICU and stopped at the foot of Cragen's bed, just observing the man. The man lying in the bed was not _her_ Donald Cragen. This was not the man she had known for the last 15-16 years. Sighing, Olivia slipped between the curtain and his bed and gently sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair only after she placed a peaceful kiss to Cragen's forehead. Taking his left hand, Olivia leaned forward and began to call upon a God she knew, but barely talked to. He was a God she was introduced to by her former partner. If she had learned and witnessed anything regarding faith from her former partner is was, prayer works. At Donald Cragen's bedside, Olivia Benson began to pray.

Meanwhile, in the waiting room, Fin's attention was torn away from the mind numbing television program that currently held his attention. Reaching for his vibrating cellphone in his pocket, he answered without checking the ID, "Yeah?" "Wow. You could answer a little nicer." Abruptly sitting erect, Fin corrected his mistake. "Mel, I didn't look at the ID. I'm sorry. I just assumed you were someone from the squad?" "You haven't heard anything yet?" "No. Liv went back to Cragen's room about 30 minutes ago and I haven't seen her since. The way the doctor talked, he doesn't have much time." "Oh, Fin." "Yeah. I'm worried about Liv, though." "How so?" "Well, she was making me hella nervous in here earlier. I threatened to call you for us both a Valium prescription." "Fin!" "It worked! She stopped pacing and sat down and started talking! But, that's not all. She's been trying to call Brian all night and he hasn't answered." "You think he's with Amaro?" "Probably, but when has work stopped him from talking to Liv?" "Maybe he was told to not talk to her right now?" "When has that stopped him before?" "True. I'm just trying to think of possibilities. So, I'm guessing you haven't heard anything about the shooting?" "No. The Chief of Ds hasn't even walked back here to talk to us. This is worse than we think." "You don't think Liv will get in trouble for this, do you?" "Naw. She wasn't even on duty. This will be more stress for her, though. She just needs a break." "I know she does. Especially after last week." "Yeah." "You doing OK, Fin?" "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. How you doing?" Smiling into the phone, Melinda can't help but change the direction of the conversation. "I'm good. It's good to hear your voice." "You have no idea. Look, I'm gonna head to the cafeteria to grab some food for Liv to eat." "Good, because you know she won't eat. Fin, make sure she gets plenty of water in her. You don't want her being admitted for dehydration." "I will, Melinda." Briefly pausing, Fin quickly adds, "Hey?" "Yeah?" "I love you." "I love you too, Fin." Venturing down to the cafeteria to browse the hospital's pre-prepared foods, Fin selects a sandwich he deems _Olivia-worthy_ and grabs a couple water bottles. Grabbing two cups of coffee, he prepares the pair for the long night ahead

Across town, Detectives Cassidy and Amaro are entering into round three. It's been a tough match so far, the two entering the interview with already proclaimed bad blood. "I don't think you understand the seriousness of this, Detective Amaro?" Leaning forward in his seat, coming closer to Cassidy who's sitting directly across from him, Nick releases a quick chuckle and then counters, "Are you sure about that? Cause from where I'm sitting, I know the seriousness. I was there. I saw what happened and I've told you everything I know." Pausing, Nick watches Cassidy's facial features for any slight movement and then he has it. Cassidy's left cheek spazzes. Instead of repeating his statement surrounding the shooting, Nick decided to barrel straight into unchartered territory. "I think you should go call your girlfriend. I'm sure she's worried sick and would benefit from hearing from you." Unfortunately, Cassidy refuses the presumed bait. With a laugh, Cassidy refutes the man sitting across from him. "Liv's fine. Liv can take care of her own self." "I didn't say she couldn't. I was just suggesting you call her. I think she could benefit from that." "Oh, you think? You think that, huh?" "Yes," Amaro states flatly. He refuses to be affected by Cassidy's rising attitude. In this moment, Amaro fully sees Cassidy's ignorance and immaturity. Yes, he may be trying to turn the conversation away from him and the shooting that has left his commanding officer in critical condition, but Nick is genuinely worried for Olivia and wants nothing more than for her to be comforted at the current moment. Shaking his head in complete inability to understand Cassidy's motives, Nick sighs and leans back in his seat. "I told you, I fired two shots. The two shots that hit the perp." "Yeah, we'll see about that. So, you wanna talk about that prostitution ring you went to tonight?" "Why? You want info so you can join in? Is that still your thing?" Casting out the ultimate bait and hoping to receive a reaction from Cassidy, Amaro ruthlessly adds, "What? You can't control your urges anymore? Liv won't sleep with you? Your hand not good enough anymore? You need a hard, quick fuck to keep yourself under control around Liv?" Standing up so quickly, his chair falls back and crashes onto the tiled floor of the interrogation room, Cassidy is up and lunges over the table at Nick in an attempt to control his mouth. But, Nick was quicker than Cassidy. Nick was up and away from the table before Cassidy's chair hit the floor and Cassidy now lay awkwardly across the table. "At least I didn't get a pro pregnant!" Cassidy states as he peels away from the table and stands up. "Maybe, but I never planned to marry one. You were going to make a whore your wife!" "Don't you dare talk about her!" "Oh, this is fair game. You used my past against me and don't you dare think I won't use yours against you! You are dating Olivia Benson! Look at her man! You really think you're good enough for her?!" "No! I know I'm not! Do you not think I'm scared shitless she's going to realize she's settling with me and walk away? I'm terrified. I love her, but I know I'm not good enough for her!" Calming his demeanor, Nick smoothed his hands across his freshly changed shirt and states, "No, you're right. You're not. You're not good enough for her. If you really cared about her, you would've called her by now." Turning to look at the clock, Nick realizes it's been five hours since he was brought in. "If you really loved her, you would have called her the moment you knew about Cragen. You would have told her yourself instead of allowing her to find out from one of us or, God forbid, Cragen's surgeon. But, no, you've allowed her calls go to voicemail every time and left her in the dark. I'm leaving. I'll be at the hospital if you need me." A stunned Cassidy stood in the now free interrogation room. He has finally realized his mistake, his selfishness. He reached to grab his phone to call his girlfriend, to make this all right, but his Lieutenant interrupted him. "Cassidy, before you call Sergeant Benson, I need to talk to you in my office." "Yes, sir." Following Tucker to his office, Cassidy only takes a seat after Tucker motions towards one of the chairs. "I know you're living with Benson. I want to make one thing clear: you are to have absolutely no contact with her about this case…. Personal or professional." "Sir, if…" "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I know you were present for her testimony. I'm serious this time. You are working this case and she isn't. If you want to keep your shield, you'll listen to me." Swallowing the knot in his throat, Cassidy eventually adds, "Yes, sir. I understand." "Good. Dismissed." Deciding to forego the preplanned phone call, Cassidy heads for his desk and begins his paperwork on the shooting.

Sitting quietly in by Cragen's bed, Olivia allowed her mind to linger on that night that seemed so long ago. She has to admit she misses him. It would be a complete lie if she were to state otherwise. It's not about the job; instead it's about no longer sharing their lives. She always assumed they'd remain companions. She knew retirement or a transfer were evident, but she also assumed she would receive closure, they'd receive closure. And they did. One time. And until Lewis took her and flipped her world upside down, that one moment was enough. But, ever sense Lewis taunted her in the beach house bedroom about her partner doing her and leaving and then again in the courtroom, she's been unable to remove him from her mind. If she were to be asked pointblank, she would answer honestly. Yes, she misses him and wants him right now. Allowing her own self to remember the feeling of his embrace, something snaps her from the imagined warmth. It's Cragen. He's waking up. Immediately rises from her seat, Olivia begins to stroke at Cragen's forehead. "Hey, hey, hey. It's okay. You're okay." Opening his eyes completely and focusing on her face, Cragen gingerly reaches for her hand positioned on the bed. Squeezing gently, yet with all the strength his could muster, Cragen pulls a delicate smile across his face. "Liv." Resuming her ministrations on his forehead, she adds, "Yeah. It's me. Hey. Hey." "It's good to see you." "Captain, you don't have to talk." "Let me say this." "Okay, Okay." "I made you my emergency contact and next-of-kin for a reason." Smiling and feeling tears beginning to form in her eyes, Olivia doesn't trust her voice nor does she dare interrupt her captain once again. She nods. "Like I said about Elliot, you've been like a daughter to me." "Cap…" "I mean it." "I know." "Don't be mad at him. I had him called." Before she could ask whom exactly he was referring to, Olivia found herself on the outside of the ICU door peering through the small window. A crash cart now replaced her spot by Cragen's bedside. Reviving the only man she ever looked up to seemed like a far more challenging feat than she's witnessed in the past. Something within her soul spoke, telling her of the reality she was seconds away from facing. She knew. And witnessing Dr. Charles turn to the clock and call out the time, she knew Captain Donald Cragen had passed.

Taking large steps backing away from the ICU door, Olivia turned and began to quickly walk back towards the waiting room where not only she abandoned Fin, but also her cellphone, purse, and keys. She needed to leave. She needed a fresh breath of air. This large hospital was constricting. She was losing focus. Everything was being to tunnel into one circular unit. She needed out. She needed to run. Upon entering the waiting room, her world finally stopped. There between Fin and her current partner, her abandoned chair now sat occupied. Her tear-filled eyes were playing tricks on her. This couldn't be. Not now. Not after she just spent hours praying for him at Cragen's beside, he's here. In her seat. With her purse secured between his feet on the floor. Turning back to look out into the hallway, giving herself the option of fully fleeing, she decides to turn back and face the three men. But, he's not sitting in her chair anymore. Noting her stress, he gently touches his right hand to her left forearm. Oh, there he is. His presence doesn't make her flinch; instead it makes the tears she'd been desperate to remain in her eyes actually fall. And he notices. Of course he does. And at one word, she lets the three men know what had just occurred. "Liv." Dropping her head and bringing her hands to her face, she can't hold back the sobs. Taking a chance, Elliot grabs her forearms and pulls her to him. He cradles her. He holds her, offering up comforting murmurs and kisses to her hairline. Standing there in the hospital waiting room, the intimate embrace is witnessed by not only Nick and Fin, but also several other strangers. Taking in her state of being, Nick and Fin share a glance and know they have just lost their commanding officer.


	3. Chapter 3

It was a moment she rarely experienced, being in Elliot's arms. But, today… today… Olivia made the conscious decision of opening up to his warmth. His warmth. It had been everything she had craved since that night over a year ago. She needed his warmth. When Lewis had been holding her hostage in her apartment, she had hoped and begged for Elliot to show up at her doorstep. She knew it was farfetched, but she refused to bury the desire.

She had just spent an unlimited amount of time praying for his presence, not necessarily for this particular moment, but in general. Olivia never expected to return to the waiting room to discover him. In her mission to retreat from ICU, Olivia was desperate for a sign of comfort. She suspected it would be from Fin or from Brian. She never expected to make eye contact with Elliot Stabler; but, currently, she literally stands corrected.

Her arms are constricting. He can feel her hands grasping a strong, unbreakable hold to the back of his shirt. He doesn't know when it happened, but her hands eventually slid from her face and wrapped around his body. Standing to the left of the waiting room doorway, Elliot maintains a strong clasp around a weakened Olivia Benson. He had expected a fight. He had expected her to push him away. When he saw her turn towards the hallway after spotting him, he immediately rose. He was not going to let her run. He came down here for a reason. He had heard the words on the other end of the phone conversation clearly and allowed no doubt to pass through his mind. He immediately rushed to be with her, only hoping she would allow him to comfort in this particular way. He knew he was selfish. He wanted nothing more in this world than to hold her and he was thanking God for allowing the opportunity to arise. But, Cragen had just passed and Olivia was truly hurting. He could feel her pain, the grief, in her grasp and in her sobs knocking into his chest. He wanted nothing in this moment other than to comfort her fully, to take her pain and sorrow away completely, and replace it with the love and respect she rightfully deserves. He begins to slowly sway the two. It's a soothing mechanism. He did it to all his children, but he knows Olivia is no child. She's a grown adult. Allowing one arm to leave her waist and travel up her back, Elliot reaches her cropped hair and begins to thread his fingers through the tresses. Lowering his head to her shoulder, Elliot turns his head so his mouth meets her left ear. And there it was, his voice. A voice she had missed, a voice of comfort. Whispering declarations of her safety and his presence, Elliot continues his ministrations through her hair and on her lower back. The swaying has continued through habit; it's the ultimate multitask of comfort. Elliot Stabler was comforting Olivia Benson.

Olivia Benson was receiving comfort from Elliot Stabler. Elliot Stabler had his arms wrapped firmly around her. She held him firmly in her grasp. Olivia realized she had no feeling in her fingers because she held onto his shirt, as if it were a lifeline. She was sobbing against his chest. Her head, her face, was nestled firmly in the crook of his neck. He mouth was so close to her ear. He was talking to her, reassuring her. "It's OK. It's OK," he repeated, throwing in the occasional, "I'm here. I got you, Liv, I got you." She reveled in the feeling of him holding her… of holding him. He was a lifeline. His murmurs were nurturing, his hold empowered her, and his swaying soothed her in ways she had never experienced. Elliot Stabler was holding her. Elliot Stabler was comforting her. And then it dawned on her. _Elliot Stabler was holding her._

He was only here because he was guilted into it. Finding her bearings, Olivia unclenched her hold on his shirt and quickly brought her arms to the front of Elliot's chest. Raising her head and pushing the man away, Olivia physically retreated from his presence. Her face said it all. She couldn't hide it from him, no matter how hard she tried. He was always capable of reading her like a book. She was always capable of reading _him _like a book. Instantly noticing her discomfort, Elliot realizes he had been selfish. He should have known she would only allow him to hold her for so long before she came to her senses.

"Liv…." Elliot started, but Olivia interrupted him. "Cragen told me he had you called." Knitting his eyebrows together, Elliot shakes his head in confusion. "What? No. Cragen didn't call me." "Then who told you to come down here?" "I called him." She heard over Elliot's right shoulder. Peering around her former partner, she sees the stoic and unwavering expression on Fin's face. "You called him?" She asks. "Yes." Refusing to venture further down that road in fear of Olivia exploding, Fin turns his gaze away from the pair of eyes attempting to bore holes through his body. Noticing Fin's attention will never return to her, Olivia drops her gaze back to the face of the man before her. Inhaling sharping and instantly kicking herself over the action, Olivia feels herself begin to waver. His scent. She can smell him. It's a smell unlike any other. He's not wearing any cologne or aftershave. All she can smell is just _him._

No, no. Stopping herself, Olivia straightens her stance once again and braces herself for battle. "I… I need to go." Before Elliot can react, she's swung the door open and has made her way throughout the hallway, heading for the main exit. Elliot is practically in a sprint to catch up with her. He gets to her just before she reaches the sliding glass doors. Grabbing her elbow and jerking her back to him, Elliot calls out to her.

"Liv!" Avoiding his gaze, Olivia keeps her focus on her shoes and answers him. "Elliot, I can't do this. I shouldn't be doing this." "What? Why?" "You know why Elliot!" "No! I don't Liv! So, you should tell me!" "_This_ isn't us! We don't do this! I don't do this!" "Olivia…." Elliot starts but is interrupted by the Chief of Detectives. "Sergeant Benson, I want to send my condolences," Chief Muldrew states while extending his arm to Olivia. Taking in the appearance of the once partnered pair, Chief Muldrew continues, "Cragen had the hospital contact me. He had me retrieve his living will and testament. And he wanted to discuss the future, more importantly _your_ future before he was wheeled into surgery." Glancing towards the woman beside him, Elliot acknowledges the fear etched on her face. Deciding to speak for her, Elliot asks, "Which is?" Turning to the retired detective, Chief Muldrew decides to venture into business in the lobby of the hospital. "I was going to order you to my office in the morning, but seeing the circumstances…." Sighing the Chief continues, "Cragen believes you are the best possible replacement. I realized you haven't even been sworn in as Sergeant yet, but Cragen's been on my case about this for years." "Sir…" Olivia attempts to interrupt, but fails. Chief Muldrew holds up a flat hand to stop the Sergeant before him. "Lt. Howard from Bronx Narcotics is up for promotion of captain. Instead of taking a lateral into SVU and then stepping into captain, she's agreed to be an interim captain at the 16th and to help prepare you for the lieutenant's exam and duties. Then she will train you to step into running the unit."

Olivia couldn't believe what she was hearing. Cragen had eyed her for being captain for years and had convinced the Chief of Detectives she was the best choice. And now, here stood Chief Muldrew before her, practically stating she had no other option. They even brought in a lieutenant whom she had admired her entire career. Olivia couldn't breath. Her focus was beginning to tunnel again. She had just witnessed the death of her captain. Her former partner has stepped back into her life and her Chief was telling her that her future had already been written.

He saw it. Elliot saw it. Olivia was on the verge of panicking. Stepping forward and attaching a gentle palm to her lower back, Elliot speaks for his silenced partner…. for his former partner. "Chief, can she have some time to take this all in? Decide if this is the path she wants to take?" Nodding in agreement, Chief Muldrew steps forward and lays a hand on Olivia's shoulder. "The hospital should be contacting you about funeral arrangements. Cragen wanted you to handle those as well. The City will be paying for the service. Just pick the funeral home, casket, and other details and we'll take care of the payment. An attorney should be contacting you as well." At that, Chief Muldrew departs from the pair and abandons the hospital.

Olivia can't talk. She can't even move. She feels Elliot's hand on her shoulder and hears his words that only come across as mumbles. She works up enough strength to tilt her head to look down at his hand on her shoulder. She raises her gaze to meet his eyes once again and she has to fight back the tears. Swallowing to clear her throat, she decides to speak. "What did you say?" She asks Elliot. "I asked if I could take you home." Shaking her head no, she adds, "I don't think that would be a good idea." "Liv, I don't care about you living with Cassidy, you're in no state to drive. Just let me help you." It wasn't a complete lie. She wasn't in any state to drive, but he did care about her sharing a home _and_ a life with Cassidy. He cared about it a lot, actually. She deserved better. He knew she was settling. She had even once stated to him that she was comfortable with Cassidy. Of course, this conversation was at the beginning of the relationship. Seriousness and commitment was the furthest from her mind. But, things clearly change. Elliot is severely aware things have changed regarding Cassidy because of his actions and he needed to explain. He wanted to explain, but now was far from the appropriate time.

Bringing his attention to Olivia's current state, he knows she's pondering his offer. "Come on, Liv. I'll drive your car to your apartment and I'll catch a cab back here to grab my car."

"Oh, Sergeant, I'm glad I caught you! I need to know of the funeral home to release Mr. Cragen's body," Dr. Charles called from the long hallway. Noticing the tension between Olivia and Elliot, Dr. Charles abruptly stops her movements. "Captain Cragen." "Of course, Sergeant. Have you thought of a funeral home?" Turning to Olivia, Elliot decides to step in and offer his opinion. "I can have Fin call Melinda to see if she can hold Cragen's body until we pick a funeral home." Removing her eyes from the doctor, Olivia sharply turns her head at one defining word. Noticing she fully took in his statement, Elliot can't help but release a chuckle. "Liv, I'm going to help you with his funeral. I meant it when I said _we_." "No." "Liv." "Send Cragen to Frank E. Campbell Funeral Chapel over on Madison." "Will do, Sergeant. Do you want the funeral director to contact you or Mr. Stabler?" Dr. Charles asked. Olivia opened her mouth to respond, but Elliot beat her in answering the doctor. "Have them call me." Nodding, Dr. Charles turned and left the two to their privacy. Keeping her head raised, but avoiding eye contact with Elliot, Olivia explains her answer. "That's the funeral home where my mom's services were held. They were caring and professional." "I remember. They'll do Cragen justice. Besides, they're large enough to hold his services." Elliot responds. "Come on, Liv. Let's get you home." "Fine, but you're not driving my car." Elliot chuckles his concedement and escorts Olivia to his awaiting vehicle.

"Elliot, I don't think that's a good idea." "Olivia, I will walk you to your door." Refusing to argue with the man before her, Olivia only hopes Brian isn't home. She's too tired for his possible reaction at seeing Elliot appear at the front door with her. She knows he won't approve of allowing Elliot to drive her home, but he could have done it himself. It's not like she hadn't called him. She had called him 14 times to be exact and each one was sent to voicemail. He was ignoring her and she didn't understand why. In the elevator ride to her floor, she could feel her blood boil. She was mad at Brian, she was mad at her own self for allowing Elliot back in this quickly, and mad at Elliot for having the audacity to think he could just waltz back into her life as if nothing was wrong. Exiting the elevator and striding towards her door, she was preparing her plan of attack. If Brian was going to overreact to Elliot's presence, she was going to turn this into a full battle. Besides, she was still angry at his actions from the night before.

Sliding the key into the locks, Olivia opens her apartment door up to Elliot. Knowing he had followed her in, she quickly scopes the apartment for Brian's presence and can hear the shower running. Oh, this is going to be a lovely surprise. "Look, Liv, I know you're uncomfortable. Let me head out before Brian walks in here." "No, please stay. We need to plan Cragen's funeral anyway." Turning her back to Elliot and walking towards the wine rack, Olivia opens a cabinet and places a wine glass onto the counter. Pouring the glass of chardonnay, she speaks. Elliot barely hears her, but he can make out the desperation in her tone. "I need your help." "Yeah, yeah, sure. You got it. I'll help ya." "Would you like a glass of wine?" "Uh, yeah, sure." "Wait," Olivia quickly adds and turns to the refrigerator. Opening the door and reaching into the bottom shelf, Olivia bends over to retrieve a beer, Elliot's drink of choice. Elliot can't help but stare. Olivia's backside, aside from Olivia's entire being, has always been one of his weaknesses. Fin was even aware of the fact and had called him on it multiple times. Noticing her posture straightening out, Elliot tears his gaze from her ass and pulls his eyes to her face. Turning around to face Elliot and letting the fridge door shut with a thud, Olivia offers up the beer. Elliot looks down to retrieve the offering and smiles. It's his favorite beer. It's a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Olivia used to mock him for his top choice of beer, stating PBR is the cheapest of tastes. But now she has PBR stocked in her fridge. He cracks the can open and takes a drag. Making eye contact, Elliot smiles behind the beer.

The two share a content smile while failing to notice Brian enter the living room. Staring into the kitchen, Brian feels his blood pressure instantly rise. "What's he doing here?" Olivia was so caught off-guard by Brian's presence and statement, she allows her wine glass to slip from her hands and shatter on the floor. Quickly setting his beer on the counter, Elliot bends to begin containing the glass shards. Staring at Brian, Olivia has yet to state a word. "Well? What's Stabler doing here?" From the floor Elliot offers up the reasoning for his appearance. "I'm here to help Liv plan Cragen's funeral." "Cragen died?" "Yeah. A couple hours ago," Olivia finally speaks and instantly turns her back to Brian in an effort to conceal her tears. Bending down to the cabinet under the sink, Olivia retrieves a handheld broom and dustpan. "Here. Let me." She states as she turns to the crash site to help Elliot. "No, Liv, I got it. Go pull up the funeral home's website and we can start looking at caskets." "Okay," Olivia says and steps over the glass with ease and ventures to the other side of the kitchen counter to the barstools.

Walking up behind her, Brian drapes his left arm over Olivia's shoulders and stands to her right. Brian leans in to place a kiss to her head and Olivia jerks her head away. Brian can't help it. "Oh, so because he's here I can't kiss you." "That's not it, Brian." "Oh, yeah? What is it then, huh?" "I just…." "You just what? Huh, Liv?" Finally turning the chair and her body towards him, Olivia asks, "Brian, why are you so upset?" "Seriously, Liv? You don't know?" "Is it because of Elliot? He's here to help with Cragen's funeral?" "No, Liv." Brian responds and then turns his back to Olivia. Wiping a hand down his face, Brian releases a sigh. "Why'd you get so mad at me last night?" That was it. Game on.

Picking up Elliot's abandoned PBR, Olivia picks it up and shotguns the remaining contents. Hearing the slam of the aluminum can, Elliot makes the conscious decision to stay crouched on the floor of Olivia's kitchen. Turning so swiftly, Olivia knocks the barstool off-balance but it doesn't tip over. Standing her ground and strutting towards Brian, he instantly knows he's crossed the line. She's done and ready to fight.

"You really have no idea what you did wrong?" "No!" "We have not been able to have sex since Lewis…." "Yeah, I'm aware," Brian interrupts. Glaring at him, Olivia refuses to back down. Marching up to him and poking one finger to his chest, Olivia continues her steps, and pushes Brian into the back of the couch. "I said I wanted control. You said I could have control. For the first time in months, I wanted to have sex, but I had to control it. I needed to control it. And you know what you said to me? 'To trust you.' You told me to fucking trust you, Brian! And I did! And it was the biggest mistake I could've made! You abused my trust and quickly took control from me! You ripped my control right out from under me and kept telling me it was OK! Well, you know what? It wasn't OK and it never will be!"

"If you're going to use that one time against me, then I don't think we should continue this. You clearly don't trust me, Olivia! I'm not your precious Elliot fucking Stabler! The bastard can walk in after three years and just lay claim to your life and you let him! Huh? You trust him though? Huh, Liv?" Finding his nerve and his power, Brian begins to back Olivia into the bar at his words. Leaning over her and yelling just as loudly as she did, Brian loses all perception of reality. Noticing her quietness, Elliot quickly stands and takes in her appearance. He knows she's disassociated. It's now his duty to protect her.

"Cassidy! You need to back down!" "Excuse me? And who the fuck do you think you are to step to me in my house?" "I'm her friend! Now, back off!" Turning to look at Olivia, Brian sees the coloring has drained from her face. Backing up, Brian lays a hand onto her left forearm, and he has no time to brace himself. Olivia sent her right arm flying into a hook, connecting with his jaw. Olivia lands multiple hits before she hears Elliot calling out to her. Coming into focus, she sees a bloody and bruised Brian before. She starts to panic, but then it comes to her. She had a flashback. She went back to a place she has been so desperate to forget. Looking Brian straight in the eye, Olivia conveys everything she needs to, but still feels it necessary to verbally relay the message. "I want you out." "Yeah, that's not going to be a problem," Brian quickly adds with a scoff. He retreats to the bedroom and reappears with a packed bag. Olivia doesn't allow herself to ponder on how he packed a bag that quickly. It was as if he had already prepared for this moment. She hears him open the door and with the slam, she knows he's gone.

Olivia stands in her living room for an undetermined amount of time before Elliot speaks. "Liv, come on. Sit down." She obliges. The two sit in silence for several minutes and then Olivia speaks. Clearly her throat, she prepares her voice to relay her greatest concern to the man sitting beside her. "El?" "Yeah?" "Where do I go from here?" Not being able to grant Olivia with a truthful answer, he does what he trusts best. He places his left arm around Olivia's shoulders and pulls her into his left side. As soon as her head is nestled at his shoulder, Olivia allows her tears to fall once again. Needing further comfort, Olivia's right hand reaches for Elliot's right. Acknowledging her need, Elliot takes the liberty to entwine their fingers. He turns his head and places a gentle kiss the to top of her head, only to hear her mumbled, "We shouldn't be doing this? We haven't talked about anything." "I know. We'll talk. Let me help you for now." Nodding, Olivia allows his embrace to tighten. It's a comfort they both hope to last, but know the road will only be long and rugged.


	4. Chapter 4

Sitting on a kitchen barstool, Olivia sat calming taking in the scene before her. Turning to her left to reach for her abandoned PBR, Olivia brings the can to her lips and takes a drag. She's had this training; she knows how to calm a distressed individual. She knew how to calm them long before she had enrolled in the academy and the refresher course Captain Cragen sent her to her fifth year at SVU, was just that… a refresher. She had moved out of her mother's home when she turned 18. College was a lifesaver and from there, moved into her own apartment with a recruit mate while in the academy. She moved out of Serena Benson's home and never looked back. She, also, assumed she would never have to be in this particular situation ever again, in her own home at least. But, here she sits. Sipping from her beer will remaining stiff, placid, and erect while sitting in her chair. She only allows her eyes to follow Brian as he paces and rants before her. He's genuinely upset… no, correction, incredibly angered about seeing her former partner the night before. He had entered their home and immediately began accusing her of cheating on him. He refused to accept the truth. Olivia refused to budge. Elliot Stabler, no matter how angered she is with him, is the one subject she refuses to budge or waver from… this is a fight Brian was predestined to lose from the moment he raised his voice and finger in her direction.

"Why was he hear, Olivia?" Olivia stares directly at his face. He's not looking at her. She stares for a brief moment, willing him to turn to her. Alas, she answers. "I already told you." "No! No you didn't!" "Yes, Brian, I did." Brian finally turns to her and allows a devious grin on his face. It's a grin that is supposed to make her cringe, make her falter, but it does the opposite. It gives her power, more ammo. She tenses her posture and knows he's about to start playing petty. She's preparing herself, yet she was far from prepared for the words that crossed his lips. "Are you sure about that?" He pushes. "Sure about what, Brian?" She throws the bait. If he does not want to have a friendly chat, she's going to be playing this game with pure sarcasm. "You know what I'm talking about! Don't be stupid!" Brian spits. Laughing slightly and allowing an unenthused grin to cross her grin, she rises from her chair and heads to the fridge to grab another beer.

With her back to him, she states, "I wouldn't have asked if I knew what you were talking about. You've lost me, Brian." "I came by a couple hours later. I want to apologize. I heard you all." Pushing her eyebrows together in pure confusion, she is at a loss for understanding. "You heard us planning Cragen's funeral?" "No! God! I wish that's what I heard! I heard you! I heard him! I heard the two of you! Together!" Realizing his insinuations, Olivia drops her jaw while simultaneously releasing the beer can onto the counter. "You didn't hear anything, Brian. So, before you start yelling at me or putting the finger and calling me an adulterer, you need to get your fact straightened." "I heard…." "What you heard, Brian! That was me sobbing over the loss of the only man I EVER considered being a father figure to me! What you heard, Brian! Was Elliot consoling me, because you were too fucking selfish to worry about anyone or anything, but yourself last night! What you think you heard is all in your head, because nothing happened! Nothing happened!" With tears stinging her eyes, Olivia rounds the counter and darts for the bedroom. Reaching out to her as she tries to pass, Brian grabs her right forearm. "Let go of me!" she seethed. "Olivia…" "No! Back the fuck off, Brian!" Slamming the door to their bedroom, Olivia communicates her disapproval of Brian's current attitude by locking the door and officially locking him out.

Inside the bedroom, Olivia timidly approaches the bed and lowers herself on the foot of it. Sitting down, she looks around the room, scoping out everything she needs. Then her eyes land on it. Her iPhone. She quickly stands and takes a few steps until she reaches the handheld device. Sliding the phone open, Olivia opens up her messages and begins typing a message to the one person she knows is evil, but is good all the same. His response sounds in seconds, telling her his apartment door will be unlocked and to let her own self in. Smiling, Olivia rises to begin packing. She grabs a Vera Bradley large duffel bag she had promised herself she would never purchase, but did last minute when she was sent to Ohio last year with Bayard Ellis and needing light luggage suitable for the overhead compartment. Filling the bag with enough clothes to last her nearly two weeks, Olivia heads into the bathroom to gather the toiletries used during her daily routine. Grabbing her phone charger, lap top, her current book of choice and reading glasses, Olivia gives the room one last sweep before deciding on not taking a pillow because it would smell like Brian, the last person she wants to see.

Olivia picks up her cellphone and types a quick text, telling Elliot she's leaving her apartment. Throwing the door open, she huffs and rolls her eyes when she sees Brian standing in the small hallway looking as if he were a lost puppy. Taking a large step around him, she can hear him hot on her heels. Opening the fridge and grabbing the remaining beers and stuffing them in her bag, Olivia grabs her coat and scarf and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" she hears, but she doesn't answer. She leaves him completely in the dark, exactly where he deserves to be.

He hears it, the unmistakable roar of her mustang. Grinning to himself that she still has that sexy vehicle, he looks out the window to the street below and sees her in the process of parallel parking. Walking over to the front door to unlock it, Elliot decides to pull all his liquor options from the high cabinet above. He knows there's a disturbing reason as to why Olivia chose to flee to him. But, he's not going to ask questions. She'll talk when she wants to talk. He certainly doesn't want to push her and make her run from him. He's happy she came to him. Grabbing a bottled water, Elliot makes his way back to the couch and resumes watching the late night news. And then he hears it… the unmistakable sound of Olivia Benson opening his front door and entering his apartment.

"Hey," he says to her. "Hi. Listen, thanks for…." "Liv, you don't have to do that," and now he's up and approaching her. "Here. Let me take your bag into the bedroom. I'll crash on the couch tonight." "No, El." Turning back to her, Elliot rolls his eyes and adds, "Liv, let me be a gentleman. For once." And then, in Elliot Stabler fashion, allows a cheeky grin to follow his statement. "Fine, I'll take the bed. Only because I'm not the retired old fart here." Releasing a huffed laugh, Elliot adds, "Ouch." "Hey, wait." Swiftly turning around to face her, Elliot watches as Olivia approaches him. She zips open the bag and removes the offending PBR. "Wouldn't want these to get hot," she states flatly and then heads to his fridge to place them inside. Elliot continues his mission to the bedroom with a sly smile on his face.

Moments later Elliot found Olivia nursing whiskey; he assumes she found his stash of Jack Daniels. Taking in her appearance, Elliot subconsciously releases a sigh and heads for his own glass of Jack. From the kitchen Elliot calls to her. "So, why are we drinking heavy tonight?" Elliot stoically watches as Olivia takes two more, no three, sips before she lifts her head and turns her eyes in his direction. "Elliot, you don't have to drink Jack tonight. That's why I brought the beer." Finishing off his glass, rounding the counter, and entering into the living room, Elliot heads to sit beside her, but thinks otherwise. Planting himself down in the recliner diagonal from her, Elliot flatly states, "I'm not going to let you drink this shit alone." Those aren't the word he wanted to say. He wanted to say he wasn't going to let her wallow in her misery alone. He knows she's hurting. He knows she's hurt and he wants nothing more than to fix it, but he knows she won't be open to him. Although, she did call him and she is crashing at his apartment tonight, Elliot knows he should never push his luck. So, he's going to let her talk to him.

"You know, you don't have to sit over there. I don't bite." "I just wanted to give you some space." "El…." Stopping mid thought, Olivia redirects her statement. Wanting to tell him just because she's dating Brian doesn't mean he can sit next to her, but she realized that's not why he chose his seat. He chose his seat to give her space, to keep her comfortable. But, with his current location, she is anything but. Raising the glass to her lips, she nods her head towards the cushion to her left, and then tells him, "Sit down." Elliot nods and removes himself from the leather recliner and places his body in the predestined location.

The expired partners sat in silence for, as Elliot counted, 25 minutes. Olivia on the other hand, had been keeping a clear clock the NFL would envy and as she counted the 40th minute, she decided to speak.

"I saw you." Cocking his head in her direction, Elliot's clear confusion of evident, but seeing the look on her face, he knew. "I couldn't just let you go through that alone." "I know. I was… relieved… to catch your eyes." "I was too." And then the two lapsed, once again, into silence.

"We talk about you." "You and Cassidy?" Releasing a breathy chuckle, Olivia realizes her mistake. She turns to face Elliot. "No. Not Brian and I. My therapist and I." Turning his head to meet her eyes, Elliot asks, "Oh, yeah?" Nodding her head, Olivia waits several seconds before adding, "Yeah." You wanna talk about it?" "You don't miss a beat do you?" Chuckling, Elliot takes a sip of his drink. Elliot looks over at Olivia and lodges her change of demeanor. Wanting nothing more than to take every pain away from her, he knows he can't fix it. But, he still has to try to help her. He can help her. He wants to help her. It's time.

"Come're." Whipping her head in his direction, Olivia looks at Elliot questioningly. "What?" "I said to come here." Raising his right arm up and creating a safe spot for her, Olivia begins to ease into the location. Unable to take her slow pace, Elliot lowers his arm on her shoulders and pulls her to his side. And there it was. A sigh. It's a sigh of omission and peace… a sigh of relief on both their parts. Taking in each other's scents, their memories are taken back to place of familiarity. It's a place they have both missed and what to never leave. Instead of pushing her again, Elliot just holds her. Olivia Benson, his Liv, is letting him hold her… on his couch. When Cragen called to tell him she had been kidnapped, he jumped at the chance to track down Lewis with the State Police. He stood many yards away from the house, behind all the emergency vehicles, and watched her emerge with Amaro from the house. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to run to her and embrace her in a hug that spoke everything he's ever wanted her to hear. But, he stayed back. He had his time and she chose the romantic path she took. He has to look at this current moment as a second chance and that's exactly what he does. He chooses to hold her hoping his grip communicates the unsaid to her.

And then he hears it. Her voice. She's talking. She's choosing to open up. "I know you heard Lewis ask about you. And it's true. I thought about you. I wanted you. I didn't think I would see you again. And…." But, she stops herself. He chooses not to push her to finish the statement. Elliot has literally bit his tongue to keep himself from asking her. And she's silent again. He pulls her in a little tighter and she rests her head in the crook of his shoulder with her head lying on his chest. His hand is mindlessly rubbing circles on her upper arm. The physical contact, in every aspect, is a comfort for both of them. They have both wanted this… they've both missed it.

"I started to tell him about that night." He wants to ask whom, but he knows she isn't referring to Lewis. "He even tried to get me to talk about it, but I stopped him." "You changed the subject didn't you?" Olivia tilts her head up to look at him with a chuckle. Look at her, Elliot can't help but return the smile and laugh. He knows her, Olivia internally admits. "No one knows, Elliot." "Not even Alex?" "She thought I was with David and I didn't correct her. I was afraid." "I was too." "You were afraid of me?" She's sitting up know and has turned her body to completely face him. "No. I was afraid I would never see you again… that you thought it was a mistake." "You mean, you didn't?" "Liv." Elliot states flatly. With a chuckling sigh, Olivia collapses back into his arm. She's lower this time, but she feels more comfortable. She chooses to remain slouching. He's warm. He's a rugged familiar and she forgot how good and peaceful it felt to cuddle into the side of Elliot's body.

"Sometimes, I wonder 'what if?'" "How so?" "If Cragen hadn't called me… If I hadn't had to leave my apartment… Where would it have gone?" And looking up at him from her slouched position at his side she adds, "Where we would be now?" "You can't worry about that, Liv." "But, I do." "You wanna know what I worry about?" "Tell me. Just talk to me."

Leaning forward to sit his glass down on the coffee table before them, Elliot reaches a hand back to grab her glass to neighbor his. Sitting back into the couch, Elliot pulls Olivia up and closer to him, "Come here." She curls into his side bringing her knees to her chest. He pulls her feet in his lap and both their memories are jogged to the time they shared over a year ago. Elliot smiles at the memory, but it's Olivia who speaks up. "We started out just like this." Lowering his mouth to the top of her head, Elliot takes and deep breath and states, "Oh, I remember." He places a gentle kiss to her hair and he pulls back. The top of her head is resting against his lower jaw and the contact is beneficial to them both.

"I'm sorry." "I don't think I heard you right, Liv. Did you just apologize to me? Cause there's nothing for you to apologize for." "I came here. I stopped taking your calls." "I also told you I would wait for you…." Elliot interrupts. At that statement, the mood shifts. "I want to talk about all this with you, Liv, but I know you want to talk about other things. Let's talk about those things. Ok?" She nods gently against his chest.

"The things he said in court…. They weren't all lies." Olivia starts. Deciding not to interrupt her, he waits. He lets her talk; this is her time. "He had me for four days, El. By the end of it, I just wanted him to go ahead and do it. I did and I hate to admit that, but I just wanted him to get it over with." Her words were broken up by sobs. She had set up and leaned away from him to make eye contact. Hot tears streamed down her face and Elliot wanted nothing more than to help her, to protect her. Sensing she needed some sort of relief, grounder, Elliot reached for her cheek and brushed the tears of her face. Running her hand down her face, he left it to rest in the crook of her neck holding her in place.

"I have spent my entire career… preaching to victims… telling them to keep that fire and spirit inside alive. But, fuck, Elliot… by the end of it, I didn't believe in myself anymore. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. I taunted him. I told him he wasn't _man enough_ to do me. That he was afraid of me. I told him I could saw him how a real woman could do it, but he didn't take the bait. He didn't taking the fucking bait, Elliot!" Olivia screamed. "And then he fucking used it against me in court!" She sobbing with wails coming out so long and hard she wasn't breathing. "Liv… Liv, you gotta breathe. You gotta breathe, Liv!" She wasn't listening to him. She was holding her breath and releasing forceful wails. Remembering a trick the pediatrician had taught him when Maureen was a newborn, Elliot grabbed her face and blew in it, and startling her and making her take a breath. She opens her eyes then and stares at him.

Neither think of their actions, but before either knows what is going on Olivia is straddling Elliot's lap. Their lips are forged together in a synchronized, languid dance. They don't talk; communication is never needed with the two. Elliot slam back to reality when he feels her hands grip the back of his neck. "Liv…." He words are muted. She's fighting him now. She's silencing him. She never realized she had missed this, missed him as much as she did. She had just been jolted with the electricity of life that had once escaped her. If she knew _he_ would be her recharger, she would've called Elliot a long time ago.

He had missed her, but he couldn't tell her that. She had left their bed late their first night together… their only night together. She had interrupted his shower in a hysterical state, saying Cragen had called and he needed her help. There was a dead woman in his bed. She kissed him and told him she would be back, but to lock up if he decided to leave. He stayed two more days, but she never came home. Although receiving direct orders not to investigate, that didn't keep the squad at bay. They all worked round-the-clock to free Cragen. When she came home to find her apartment empty, she immediately called Elliot. She told him of Brian's shooting and the kiss their had shared in his hospital room. She had told him of the prostitution ring they uncovered and how Cragen had been freed of chargers, but they were awaiting his return. She began to apologize for kissing Brian, but Elliot had stopped her and told her he would be waiting… to come to him when she was ready. He certainly never thought she would choose Brian Cassidy over him, but she did and he had to respect her decision.

Fuck Brian Cassidy. "Liv… we need to stop… you have to think…." Elliot said between her kisses. Gripping the back of his neck tighter, she barely separated her mouth from his. "No. Stop talking, Elliot. I need this. I need this. Please, just shut the fuck up." He could feel her lips talk against his own and he couldn't help but smile at her words. He vowed over 15 years ago he would help, support, and protect her in every aspect of life… and if this was what she needed, he wasn't going to stop her. "Okay. Okay. But… Liv. Olivia, you're in control." With a sudden intake of air, Olivia pulls back from Elliot so their eyes are level. The hands on his neck start to rub against his hair and her eyes begin to well with tears. They stare at each other in pure, abandoned silence while tears slip out the corners of her eyes. She leans back completely so her ass settles between his legs hitting the sofa cushion. Her hands start to slide down to his chest and he raises his hands to grab hers. At his touch, she drops her head to their joined hands and relaxes into him. He moves his hands to wrap arm her, bringing her staunch against him. They stay there, holding one another… reveling in the feeling of being with each other.

She sits up and cups his left cheek. Giving Elliot a gentle yet warm smile, she leans forward and kisses him. Sitting back up, eye contact is once again regained. "I'm not using you, El." "I know." "I do want this." "I know." "But, right now… I just need you to hold me." Cupping her left cheek, Elliot wipes a stray tear with his thumb and nods approvingly… not trusting his voice. Clearing his throat and redirecting eye contact for a brief moment, Elliot turns back to her. "I will always be here. But, everything happens on you terms." She kisses him and readjusts her body in his lap. She curls her body up in his lap, each other wrapping their arms around their torsos. "But, right now I need your help with Cragen's funeral." "Yes, Sergeant."


End file.
